Monday, April 25, 2011

Oreo Post

First things first.  I'd like to say, "You're welcome".  I've pared this down from the monstrously long post it was earlier. 

As a prelude to the goop, here's some happy to tide you over.
  • Alyson is at the head of her class for many things
    • Linguistics - both English and Spanish.  Yep, our school is fabulous.  The kids are learning some Spanish every week.  Erik and I are helping at home - this is a good refresher for me.  I took Spanish in college, but my class was at 7am, so my memory is a bit rusty.
    • Fine Motor Skills - She's using scissors at a 4-5 year old level
    • Best out-right cackle - you have to hear it in person to truly appreciate her laugh
    • She's darn funny - and she knows when she's being funny.  I never realized that kids have a sense of humor and can make jokes that young.
Now for the goop.  Yesterday was a hard day.  I'm not positive why, but I have a couple ideas of contributing factors.  I didn't feel like myself at all.  I felt physically and emotionally tired.  Bone tired.  I felt like crawling right back into bed as soon as I got up.  Not even to sleep.  Just to curl up and lay there.  Erik had to work that evening, so it was all me. 

Since I'm not 100% sure of what was going on, here's my theory.
  1. Our house is a mess.  OK, big deal - clean it up.  What's the problem?  ... I don't know.  That's the weird thing.  I just felt completely drained when I looked at it yesterday.  More so than the normal - ugh, another mess feeling.  It felt more like oh my gosh, it's all a mess, and it will never be clean, and I don't think I can bring myself to fold another thing and put another thing away and oh my gosh it's such a mess it will never get any better, what's the point in even trying.  I'm sure you will agree - yuck.
  2. I'm excited about my garden, but tired.  It's exhausting to break, till and ammend the soil by sheer will and force alone.  Could I have rented a rototiller?  Sure.  But though I'm glad that my hands are the ones that broke the ground, it was exhausting.  And there's more to do.  Having worked in peat moss, steer manure and compost, I really hoped my soil would look more like soil. But it still looks mostly like sand.  It needs more.  It's always going to need more.  That's a bit exhausting to think about.  And I finally planted my peas.  But they really should have gone in a few weeks ago, so maybe it was a waste of time and effort to put them in at this point.  Who knows.
  3. Maybe it's just the hormones.  I'll just blame it on the hormones.  I remember the first time I felt hormonal during a period.  I was at college.  That year wasn't particularly great for me - it was 2001, my roommates and I were all a bit at odds with each other and I was busy and sleep deprived.  This is what happened.  I was watching tv.  A commercial came on for a hair product.  The model swung her hair around and the light flared just perfectly.  And I started sniffling and my eyes pricked with tears.  What is WRONG with me?! I yelled at myself.  The same thing happened yesterday.  I'm not sure why I felt weepy.  But I did.  Anything and nothing could set me off.  I was really off balance feeling that way - it's been a really long time.
So yesterday was hard.  Instead of getting off my butt, I sat on the floor surrounded by laundry.  Then I sat on the couch and stared off into space.  When I realized that Alyson was silent in her room, I started to get suspicious.  And then she was calling: "I need a towel to clean up my mess."   Off I dashed.  Fresh despair coursing through my body.  She'd smeared lotion in the carpet.  Presumably trying to get it off of her hands.  All of it.  The whole bottle.  It smelled lovely in there.  Somehow that didn't help my mood.  But I didn't yell.  I just wanted to lay down on the floor and have someone else be the disciplinarian for a minute.  I wanted someone else to figure out how to get the greasy lotion out of the carpet before it stained.  I wanted someone else to be the parent for a couple minutes.  I was tapped out and I needed to tap out!

I had Aly sit on her bed while I ineffectively tried to clean up the carpet.  Eventually, after making the obvious mistake of smearing it around, I sprinkled a bunch of baking soda all over the affected carpet.  This should have been a quick process.  It took me about 45 minutes to get that far.  No joke.  I was more or less useless.  It was exhausting and disorienting and really sad to feel that way.  I hated it.

But it got better.  I managed to get us out of the house to church.  Both Alyson and MayLee were exhausted - none of us had had a nap, and we all probably needed one.  MayLee was just so tired she was miserable.  She kept trying to get to the snacks she couldn't have (peanuts and corn nuts - why in the world did I bring those?) and was furious when I kept taking them out of her hands.

Aly, bless that child over and over again, was so good.  She was happy to sit down in Primary for the first week.  In the past, it had been a struggle just to get her to sit down so I could go to class.  But this time she did and gave me a kiss and asked me to stay.  I love her.  MayLee and I went back to the chapel for Sunday School where she fell asleep.  And I got to listen and read and be touched by the Spirit.  Maybe I was just in need of the Spirit and Sisterhood and Fellowship.  I felt so much better.  So much more renewed.  More able to cope with and deal with the responsibilities of being a parent.  My favorite thing said was that the small and simple things we do every day are the ways we clothe and arm our children with the Armor of God.  It's how we prepare them to withstand the cloying, sneaky evil that is rampant in our world. 

It truly is amazing that though I was still tired, body and spirit, I felt better.  I was able to function.  To be the Mommy again.  To enjoy my girls' smiles and play games with them.  To discipline when needed and tickle just because.  I am so glad to be back to my old tricks.

OK, so for the other side of the fun? 

At church, MayLee sustained me when my name and calling were announced.  She saw everyone holding up their arms and she did the same.  Straight up went her litte left arm - a great big grin on her face.  She couldn't have known how much it meant to me.  She didn't know that it helped heal my heart.

When waking up yesterday morning, MayLee gave Daddy kisses and responded to his "I love you" with "Yay-Yay-oh".


Alisa said...

And the calling was ______?

Cara said...

ward chorister. it'll be a bit logistically challenging since Erik works most Sundays. and I have two little kids... :)

The Orange Jeep Dad said...

Wow, your post sounds just like half the texts from my wife when she is at home and I work the night shift.

If it makes you feel any better, she cleans up after 6 daughters.

You sound like a terrific mom.

Orange Jeep Dad
Mountain Ranch ward